I started a study of Ecclesiastes this morning (the first lesson was learning how to spell “Ecclesiastes”).  What a fantastic book for someone struggling with discontentment!

The author writes during a period of tremendous economic growth–a time when all had economic opportunities–not unlike our recent past.  He notes that God has given us all an “unhappy business,” which can also be interpreted as “terrible preoccupation” or more generally human anxiety over all that is happening in the world.  Yet, it is all vanity and chasing after wind. In other words, it is meaningless.  All the things with which we are preoccupied.  Meaningless.  Ever feel that way?

The author embarks on a mission to find meaning.  He seeks to live a life of pleasure-seeking, but struggles to find meaning in his pleasure.  He seeks to find pleasure in wisdom, only to find that the wise suffer just as the fools do–”the ability of the wise to see where they are going does not affect their route; they are going the same way as the fools, and are merely more aware of it.”

He concludes that “all that he has found rewarding is pleasure in work, and he proposes that mortals can do no better than to eat, drink, and enjoy what they do.”  In other words, “People do not have control over their future; the only good is to partake of life fully in the present, for enjoyment is from the hand of God.”

That’s a lot on which to chew.  How many of us truly focus on the present moment in each of our days?  How many of us, instead, focus on trying to sort out the past and plan the future?  Is contentment tied directly to being still and enjoying where you are in the moment?  I think it is worth a try.

Lord, help me seek contentment in each moment you give me.

*All citations from The New Oxford Annotated Bible with the Apocrypha (NRSV) (Augmented Third Edition) and The Oxford Bible Commentary (Barton and Muddiman, Eds.).

I had the great fortune of participating in a substance abuse treatment program graduation last night.  While I was not a graduate, or even a clinician, I walked away with some great wisdom and hope and immense gratitude for those who are working to change lives in our community.

At the graduation, we heard from a man who last used crack on March 17, 1996.  He said that although he had given up all illegal drugs on that day, he still took up to ten pills per day to control his HIV infection.  He said that March 17, 1996 was the day that he found God’s purpose for his life.  He said that was the day he realized that we must all find that purpose; “we don’t have the luxury of messing around, trying to figure it all out.”

Since that time, he has “been living his dream.”  He said his willingness to confront his fears and willingness to stay the course are the engines that drive his success.  He said that although his journey was immensely difficult, all of the struggle was necessary and had relevance in terms of his personal development and growth.  ”Sometimes, we need the struggle.”

He ended with more wisdom: “Go forward with the expectation that your life will get better.”

It was incredible watching the community of graduates from this substance abuse treatment program receive his message.  It was obvious that they had formed a community of support, which gave each of them encouragement and strength to take the next step.  Community is so important.  We all seek it and need a group of people with whom we can “do life.”

They held hands as they said the serenity prayer:

God grant me the serenity

To accept the things I cannot change;

Courage to change the things I can;

And wisdom to know the difference.

Dear God, Help me through the struggle and help me live a life full of expectation that You will provide.  Give me courage to change the things I can.

“Go forth joyfully; God who has called you will take good care of you.”

“Command them to do good, be rich in good deeds, and to be generous and willing to share.”  –1 Timothy 6:18

As my prior posts have probably indicated, I have felt a little lost lately.  For the first time in my life, I don’t know what the next step looks like.  And that is terrifying for a control freak like me.  For the past couple of months, I have been working on trusting God and surrendering control.  While it has been a frustrating exercise and one that, I am sure, is far from complete, the process has been helpful.  I am gaining experience, perspective, and perseverance, which in turn, develops trust and discipline.

This morning, I hopped on the treadmill, and instead of listening to music or NPR, I prayed.  And I prayed, “God, show me what is important today.”

I found myself thinking about my mission statement.  You see, I try to run my life intentionally.  For the last year or so, I have been toying with running my life like a corporation.  I have a personal advisory board, who serve as my own personal board of directors.  They are dear and wise friends whose insight and wisdom I value more than they will ever know.  We meet quarterly and engage in exercises that help me define what I want my life to look like and where I want to go.

We meet again in May, and before that meeting, I am tasked with drafting my life’s mission statement.  What is a mission statement?  According to Wikipedia, it is a formal short written statement about the purpose of an organization.  Mission statements guide the actions of an organization, spell out its overall goal, provide a sense of direction, and guide decision making.  It provides the framework or context within which the company’s strategies are formulated.  I am working on drafting the mission statement for my life.

The purpose of my life’s mission statement is the same as the purpose of an organization’s mission statement.  It defines my most important values, where I want to be, and how I want to get there.  It provides a point of reference when I reach a crossroads.  When I have to make a decision, I can ask myself, “Is this course of action consistent with my mission?”  When I am assessing my life and what needs to go and what needs to stay, I can ask, “Does this further my mission?”  Importantly, your mission statement should cross over into every area of your life, be it your relationships, your career, your money, your spiritual life, etc.

This morning on the treadmill, I wrote my mission statement.  I have been thinking about it and processing it for years.

My mission is to impact the lives of individuals around me by serving them with a humble and joyful heart.

Although that sounds simplistic, I put a lot of thought into the right words and phrases.

I added “around me,” recognizing my tendency to want to serve others by sending money to nameless and faceless individuals and organizations far away.  I focus on groups of people, rather than individuals.  As C.S. Lewis once wrote, it is far easier to love strangers than those specific individuals around you.   I would like to focus on the individuals around me, whether it be my husband, my family, my friends, my church, my colleagues, or others.

“Serving” is intentionally vague.  I can serve others throughout countless activities in my day.  I can serve others at work, at church, at meetings, or even when I am all alone.

Humility.  I added that to fight my tendency towards pride in my service work.  It is important that I address the motivations because service for the wrong reasons is not what I am going for.

Joy.  I want my service to be joyful.  This is not something I am doing because I have to.  I am doing it because I want to.

I feel better already.  Having defined my mission, now I just have to find the strength and courage to live it.

Dear God, thank you for helping me identify and define my mission.  Help me as I strive to live it.

I will never figure this out on my own. 

There’s no use mourning it.  Being sad or frustrated about one’s inability to completely understand and control the universe leads nowhere.  Fighting for control yields miserable results.  As I often say, “The harder I buck the universe, the harder the universe bucks back.”

I’m slowly (we’re talking years here) becoming resigned to the fact that although I think I have it all figured out sometimes, I will never have it all figured out.  I will never know what tomorrow may bring, and no matter how hard I try, there are things that I cannot will to happen.  In spite of my desire.  In spite of my preparation.  In spite of my knowledge.  In spite of my skill.  There are dreams I have to let go.  There are worries I have to let go.  There are fears I have to let go.

And I can be thankful for that.  Thankful I can let my dreams go.  Thankful I can let my worries go.  Thankful I can let my fears go.  Thankful that I have a relationship with a God who does have it all figured out.  Who does know it all.  And who reveals to me what I need to know to honor Him in each given moment.  I can be thankful that I can turn my concerns over to someone who loves me more than even I love myself.  I can surrender it all to someone who has surrendered everything for me.  And He will take my dreams.  My worries.  My fears. 

And I do not have to deal with them anymore.  I do not have to wrestle with them.  I do not have to wonder.  I do not have to worry.  I do not have to fear. 

I have to trust.  I simply have to ask, “What now, Lord?”  “What would You have me do now?”  “Who would You like me to be now?”  “What would honor and glorify You now?”  And trust that He will answer.

My closing prayer comes from Rick Warren’s Daily Hope from today, which prompted these thoughts.

“Father, You’ve already seen this day that I’m about to experience.  Tell me the things that are important today and then help me to focus on them.”

I am a do-er.  I stay busy.  I do things.  I pride myself on getting things done and accomplishing things.  Until recently, I never had a free moment in my schedule.  And most of the things I did with my time involved accomplishing some end, getting something done.

There are times in my life when I have been so busy and gotten so much accomplished, I had no idea how I was doing it all.  People would say things like, “I don’t know how you have the energy.”  And I would reply, “I don’t either!”  Sometimes, it would be overwhelming.  To get through those times, I would just focus on taking the next step.  The big picture of all that had to be accomplished was too scary, too big.  The next step, in contrast, was do-able.  And step-by-step, I was able to accomplish incredible things.

Lately, I have realized that it is much more difficult for me to get it all done.  I grow tired.  My attitude is not the best.  I find it hard to focus.

What’s the difference?

I read a devotional yesterday from Christian Resource Ministries Lent Devotional Series that focused on the verses above.  The devotional focused on “doing” and “being” and the distinction between the two.  It focused on the importance of abiding in Christ and how doing so confronts our self-reliance.  It talks about how when we abide in Jesus, he abides in us, which empowers our endeavors.

The conclusion of the author of the devotional is stated as follows:

“. . . I have learned that when prayer and action are balanced, doing flows out of being.  In this posture, I am freed from the need to find my significance in what I do.  I am able to step out of the performance trap that I have lived much of my life in.  Rather, I live to enjoy the sweet presence of God.  Being in Christ results in the presence of Jesus radiating from my life and impacting others.  It ignites my doing, and I am able to live out my calling more effectively.”

I think I know why my work has not been more effective lately.  I’m trying to do it all on my own.  I’m not focused on being, but rather am focused on the doing.  I’m holding on to it tightly, depending on my own self-reliance, and not letting God work through me, as I have done in the past.  My insistence on doing it on my own is hindering my work.  My attempts to glorify myself, or define myself, through my work are not being honored.

It is only when God works through me for His glory that my work becomes easier and more effective.

God, help me only to focus on abiding in You so that my work and accomplishments are Your work, which glorifies and honors You.

Sometimes I surprise myself with just how little I have learned.

Tonight, I was talking to a friend about some uncertainties in my future.  Some things I want for my life, but some things about which I am not feeling very optimistic.  I was worrying.  I was venting.  I was whining.  As we were talking, I expressed some frustration and said, “I guess God is…”  I stopped.  ”…I don’t know.”

What I had been about to say was, “I guess God is going to trash this for me, too.”

From where did that come?

After all of this blogging about trusting God, letting go, and surrender, how could this doubt and fear creep into my way of thinking?

I don’t believe it.  I don’t believe for one moment that God is “trashing” anything for me.

I felt like Peter.  How could I deny Christ after all He does and all He is for me?

I guess these are lessons we have to learn over and over again.

Forgive me, Father, for my fear and doubt.

I have certain expectations of God.  Sometimes my expectations of God are tied to my own actions.  Sometimes I think that because I am a good person, God will do something for me.  Sometimes I think that because I engage in certain spiritual disciplines, God will fix my problems.  Sometimes I think that because God always comes through for me, He will come through again.

But I know God does not work that way.

Should we have expectations of God?  Sure.  Scripture tells us to expect things from God.  I think that we can expect exactly what scripture tells us–that He loves us, that He will care for and comfort us, that His will will come to pass in our lives.

The quote above was uttered by David during one of the lowest points of his life.  David had slept with the wife of one of his soldiers.  When the woman became pregnant, he had her husband intentionally killed in battle and married her.  Their young son fell ill, and David pled with God to spare his son’s life.  He did not sleep.  He did not eat.  He only begged God to let his son live.  But he died.  And after he died, David got up, washed his face and clothes and worshipped God.  One of his servants asked David why he mourned so when the child was sick, but ate and worshipped when he died.  David replied, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ‘Who knows?  The Lord may be gracious to me, and the child may live.’”

Wow.  To have that kind of peace with and understanding of God.

David expected that God would be just.  But David did not expect a particular and specific outcome.  David expected that God would hear his cries, but not that God would behave a certain way because of them.

And when God did not answer his prayers in the way David wanted, he worshipped.

Dear God, help me to expect of you only that which I should.

Worry.  I worry.  I worry a lot.  I worry like it is my job.  I come from a long line of worriers.  It practically runs in my blood, this worry.  I worry about everything.  I worry about things that have happened, things that may happen, and things that will happen.  I worry about things I can control and things I can’t control.  When I can’t find any reason to worry about my career, I worry about my health.  When I can’t find any reason to worry about my health, I worry about my friendships.  When I can’t find any reason to worry about my friendships, I worry about my marriage.  When I can’t find any reason to worry about my marriage, I worry about my family.  Sometimes I even worry because I can’t think of things to worry about.  Worry is part of who I am.

But this morning, I read this:

“Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God.  And the peace of God which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7.

So what does a worrier do with this?  Don’t we all want something to guard our hearts and minds from worry?  I know that I do.  Is prayer enough to do that?

I pray about the things about which I worry.  But honestly, I don’t often feel a peace that surpasses  understanding as a result.  Why?  Perhaps it is because although I pray about the things about which I worry, I rarely surrender them to their outcomes.  I essentially tell God, “OK God–here is what I am worrying about.  I’m not really ready to let go of all this worry yet though, so I’m going to keep working at it.”  As if my worry will affect the outcome.  As if I gain brownie points for my worry.  As if God honors my worry.

Maybe what this verse is telling us is to make our requests known to God and trust that He will do the right  thing with the request.  Really trust. Trust to the point that you know you no longer have to worry about it. Surrender it.

Maybe the peace is not automatic.  Maybe we have to accept the peace that passes all understanding that God offers. Accept the peace that God will handle your request appropriately whether you understand it or not.  Accept the peace that comes from knowing that you have done all you can do.  Accept the peace that comes from knowing that you have turned your worry over to the One who can really do something about it.

And move on.

Move on?  How do we move on?  How do we move past our worry?

Paul tells us in the next few verses how we can move on.

“Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.”  Philippians 4:8.

If these are the things about which we are thinking, what is there about which to worry?  Right?

Dear God, help me trust you fully so that I need not worry.

I confess–I am not a patient person.  I thrive on efficiency and getting things done.  I do not adjust well to changes, problems, obstacles or complications.

A small, but very real example–at my office, when it is time to open a ream of paper to refill the printer, I often have great difficulty opening the package of refill paper.  It takes me at least a full minute to try to find an edge of the plastic packaging to begin the process of liberating the paper inside.  One I find an edge, I slowly start tearing.  And tear off a piece smaller than a dime.  I’m not kidding.  Every time.  So, I go for another edge.  And I tear.  Another piece as small as a dime.  At this point, I usually voice my frustration to my assistant or a colleague or anyone else willing to listen to my tirade about the inefficiency of the paper packaging.  This is seriously such a big deal to me that my assistant now graciously opens plenty of paper at the start of each day to avoid hearing my ranting so that I do not have to.

Today, my assistant came into my office and said, “I’m really overwhelmed today with everything I have to do, but do you know what I can do?  I can open the paper packaging.  Would you like me to show you how?” 

I bit.  “Sure–how do you do it?” 

She left my office and walked towards the printer, and returned with a package of the paper.  She held it up and said, “See–it’s right here.” 

She pointed to the packaging label.  Right where it read, “Easy tab for opening.”

Oh, how I can complicate the simple things!  How much stress and angst I can experience when I fail to slow down, take a deep breath, and simply behave rationally.

God, open my eyes to the simple things and prevent me from making them complicated.